Have you ever known a person who refused to say that he or she was sorry but would, instead, and usually under tremendous pressure, manage to squeeze out an “I regret” having done something? There are deep psychological underpinnings at play in these situations.
Saying that you regret something instead of genuinely expressing sorrow for a transgression does express remorse in a way, but not directed toward the individual who was harmed. Regret serves the feelings of the person saying it. While “I’m sorry” serves the individual who has been wronged.
Regret is primarily about one’s feelings, as in, “I regret hurting you, Billy,” which can also imply….” because you’re a pain in my ass.” It says, “I wish I had treated you differently because if I had, I wouldn’t have to deal with your hurt and the consequences of my actions.
However, a genuine apology is dispensed precisely to undo damages caused by the person apologizing. When issued sincerely, it is a visible step toward moving forward and seeking reconciliation. It shows a willingness to change one’s behavior. Expressed regret without a desire to change behavior is a form of manipulation that does little to comfort the aggrieved.
Regret is an introspective journey that admits that, in hindsight, the choices made were not aligned with one’s current understanding or values. Still, it has little, if anything, to do with one’s actions having caused the other person physical or emotional injury. It is inherently self-focused and lacks empathy. Regret only reflects that person’s personal actions, decisions, or even inactions that, upon reflection, seem misguided or cause inconvenience to the person expressing it. It does very little for the wounded recipient unless it includes responsibility and a willingness to remedy the situation. It says:
Regret acknowledges a dissonance between past actions and present wisdom, often accompanied by a wish that things had unfolded differently. It doesn’t directly address the emotional harm caused to another person, which requires empathy and vulnerability. It also expresses a desire for emotional distance, acknowledging a mistake or a poor choice without the total emotional weight of seeking forgiveness that comes with “I’m sorry.”
Regretting something indicates that the person expressing the regrets is not ready to fully engage with the consequences of their actions on an emotional level. It is tantamount to emotionally brushing something under the rug. It can also be an indirect avoidance of direct responsibility or fault. It is a softer way of acknowledging that things didn’t go as planned without fully owning the blame.
“I’m sorry” is a common way to express an apology, and it is often directed towards someone affected by the apologist’s actions. Saying you’re sorry usually involves acknowledging fault or harm done to someone else and often implies wanting to make amends or seek forgiveness. However, to be effective, it needs to be equal to the damage that was done and not just given as lip service.
For instance, you might regret a career choice because it didn’t fulfill you personally (focusing on your feelings). Still, you would say you’re sorry if you needlessly broke someone’s heart because it directly affected them, and you wish to apologize for the harm you caused. The person who says, “I’m sorry” rather than “I regret” often exhibits certain characteristics or might be influenced by specific situational factors.
Those who are highly empathetic and value their relationships tend to use “I’m sorry” to express remorse. They are sensitive to how their actions impact others and quickly acknowledge any hurt or inconvenience they have caused. They are willing to change negative behaviors.
Saying “I’m sorry” involves owning one’s actions and their consequences. People who readily apologize are often those who take responsibility seriously and are willing to be accountable for their actions. They are much more likely to be committed to repairing and maintaining broken relationships. They understand that apologies can help mend bridges and are willing to take steps to reconcile.
Apologizing requires vulnerability, as it involves admitting fault and opening oneself up to forgiveness (or lack thereof). People comfortable with showing vulnerability and humility are likelier to say, “I’m sorry.” it is often used in clear-cut situations where an individual’s actions have directly caused harm or inconvenience to others and is a straightforward acknowledgment of wrongdoing and an attempt to make amends.
Psychological studies used to help judges factor in a defendant’s level of remorse for a crime committed suggest that individuals who are people-oriented rather than task-oriented, that is, people who value relationships, find saying “I’m sorry” a more natural expression of remorse, as it directly addresses the impact on the other person. They are much more likely to be adept at or interested in resolving conflicts and moving forward. At the same time, those who lean toward saying, “I regret,” are less interested in dissolving tensions, making restitution, or paving the way toward constructive dialogue.
I regret having ever met someone who hurt me, but I’m sorry if my resulting actions caused that person pain.